just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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