We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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