Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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