I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
