so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm at about main and main street
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
