I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
