i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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