How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
