News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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