sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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