bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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