If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
