I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize