Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
