All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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