I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
