I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
