About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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