I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
