Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
