Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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