I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
