this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
