Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
