help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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