Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
