Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
