WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I wish there were birth control emojis
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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