Betty ford says i'm here all night
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
