I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
