I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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