omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
