you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize