are you still at the devil's house?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
