Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
In America we eat man semen.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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