all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
smell my finger.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
