I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
