dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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