So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have feelings that need drinking.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Randomize
