It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
