I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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