I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
