Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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