i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
His hands were made for my vagina.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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