i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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