Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
