i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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