I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
