i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
