Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
