hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
