Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
