Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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