honey bunches of taint.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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