I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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