Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
