mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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